I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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