She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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