I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
