forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
