Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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