I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
