The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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