I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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