i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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