Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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