Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We have started to decorate penises.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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