Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
