While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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