There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
