I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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