he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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