and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
