I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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