haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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