Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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