I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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