It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
