so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
