I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
