I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
