Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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