mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize