After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
