I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
