Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
