if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
