I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
