we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
