tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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