i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
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ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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