he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
