then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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