My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
