i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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