What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
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Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
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Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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