so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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