The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We have started to decorate penises.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
