nut hugger
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
