roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
