ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
