If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine