my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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