So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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