Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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