Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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