chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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