My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
