A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
