I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
