My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
