I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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