Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
