My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
