this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
