She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
