I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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