he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
